It's Hard Being a Wiener - Pun Intended

This blog is going to be about male equality.  Yes, you heard me.  And yes, I'm already resisting the urge to say something snarky about penises - I think I might have a problem.

You might be asking yourself, "Whhhhyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!"  I'll tell you why.  It's cause I got several uptight and/or serious responses to my last blog (all from men - imagine that) and the last thing I would want to do is offend anyone .....

But first ...

I just want to make something clear.  You don't have to read this blog.  For example, Nicholas Cage's face pisses me off and you don't see me going out and fucking renting National Treasure VII.

Also, it's not supposed to be real intellectual (if you haven't noticed).  You don't have to follow any of the advice or believe any of the opinions I lay forth in this literary masterpiece.  For example, you don't see me forbidding myself to eat shellfish 'cause I read it in The Bible (think about it .... zing!).

I admit. It's hard for me to feel empathy towards men - well, ok, let me be more specific: White, affluent, heterosexual, God-fearing men.  It's like when a naturally skinny chick is upset because she's having a hard time gaining weight (totally uncalled for, I know).  I realize society demands a lot of things from you penis-havers, and it gets you all fucking uptight whenever someone points out how easy life must be for you. So, in an attempt to empathize, here goes ...

Things That Are Unfair For Men

• If you have long nails people think you're a crack addict.
• You don't have breasts and breasts are the best.
• You have to shave your face. Listen, I know what it's like trying to shave something sensitive with lips, and that shit sucks. I feel for ya.
• The future of your children rests in a thin sack that hangs vulnerably from between your legs (shittiest design ever).
• Somewhere along the way, someone gave a good number of you the message that yelling profane things at women would get you laid.  (Just an fyi, cat calling has a success rate of zero percent.)
• Some of you have had to cut off your dick skin.  Ahhhhh!!  Warning: Rant coming -> There's no reason for this.  It's not more sanitary and it does not decrease your risk of penile cancer.  Basically it's esthetic.  People legitimize it by saying, "Well a son should look like his father!" <-That's fucking weird. Or, "He'll get made fun of in the locker room!" <-Teach your kid to stand up for themselves, cause they might have big nipples and you can't cut that shit off. (You should feel lucky I only ranted on circumcision for one paragraph.  I could go all day on this shit.)
• There are no squads of scantily-clad male dancers at half-time games for you to join.
• You have probably had to deal with a public boner.  I'm turned on basically all the time, but unless I say so or a penis is getting ready to enter my vagina, no one knows it! 
• People slap your ass as a congratulatory gesture.  There's only one situation in which I enjoy getting my ass slapped and it's not during an office fantasy football party.

I'm sure I'm leaving one or two things off that list ...

Either way, here's to hoping I get more dudes to follow this blog. 

Douchebag

Douchebag.

Man, the inner-turmoil I have. The raging, liberal, feminist inside of me really doesn't want to use this word.  Then I run into the kind of guy who flexes in front of the weight room mirror in windbreaker pants that are just small enough I can see the outline of his penis and I just can't think of any word more appropriate. *Sigh

The Urban dictionary defines douchebag as: Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker.  <- Um, awesome. Are you guys hiring?!

But the process of douching is controversial and, in my humble fucking opinion, stems from a male-dominated culture that thinks women need to be 'clean', always wear bras, say sorry for shit that's not their fault, make .75 for every dollar a penis-haver does, and shave their armpits.  Meanwhile, we got a bunch of fucking hairy dudes running around with bigger tits than me and they smell like shit! What the fuck?!

Here are some common douching scents:
-Fresh
-Island Splash
-Sweet Romance
-Country Flowers
-Tropical Rain

What the fuck?! Have you smelled a sweaty stick n' berries? 'Cause I have, and that shit certainly doesn't smell anything like a Caribbean fucking breeze. But you don't see me going around trying to jab a tube full of candle-smelling shit into any dick-holes.  A vagina is supposed to smell like, wait for it, a VAGINA.  This is some weird double-shitty-shit.  We got a tool to clean and scent a vagina that doesn't need either and we live in a weird culture where being compared to a vagina and its 'tool' is offensive.  So, I don't really want to use the word.

But wait! Have you ever had the pleasure of dancing at a club as a teenager and having some old dude try to rub his boner against you?! Douchebag. Or maybe you've gone to get a drink out of the water fountain only to find that the guy drinking before you hocked a giant fucking lugee into it and it's stuck in the drain - you would have avoided drinking after him, but you didn't hear him spit because all you could hear was Nelly blasting from his headphones. Douchebag.  Perhaps you're familiar with the guy who always asks you about Jesus at high school parties and then gets handjobs from two different girls in the same night (no I wasn't one of them, asshole). Douchebag! Or maybe, simply, you're living it! Example:

So you see my dilemma. I mean, to be fair I regularly use terms like jerk-off and dickhead in my shit-talking repertoire.  But men aren't discriminated against in the same way as women, so I take that back. And if you're the kind of penis-hole who's reading this thinking, "I bet she also thinks you can't be racist to white people." You're fucking right, so quit being a douche and log-off.

I don't know. This is tough. I talk A LOT of shit and sometimes you gotta pull out the big guns.  Just do me a favor and let me know when they invent a dick-washing system (no I don't mean masturbating in the shower) and I'll use that shit instead. Maybe.