I followed this up by chatting about all the things I would do if I had a penis: Play with myself, pee outside, slap people with it (willing participants), etc. Josh is used to this type of talk, so he just patiently waited for me to exhaust the subject. When he was sure I was finished, he said, .... wait for it .....
"If you had a dick, it'd be really small."
Initially, I found this hilarious. We both laughed. But then I had this terrible urge to defend myself - to say insecurely, in a small voice, "Do you really think I'd have a small dick??" or, "Size doesn't matter!!"
This really got me thinking about male penis insecurities. If a dickless female can feel insecure about her pretend penis, surely men are sitting around measuring their worth based on the size of their ding-a-ling.
I know a lot of men read this blog, sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for me to reassure them about their penises .... No, but really. There is a lot of shit about your dicks that make women jealous - this woman, at least!
Here goes:
- Your penis is mysterious, with its wrinkly ability to go from looking cute to looking terrifying in merely 4 seconds.
- You can wave it around and make it flop in circles just by gyrating! The closest us vagina-havers get to that shit is when we have tassels on our nipples!
- You can easily pee on your partner in the shower. When we try to do that, we inevitably end of peeing all over ourselves instead.
- You get to put it in stuff! Your hand, an anus, a vagina, a bowl of warm pudding ... the possibilities are endless!!
- When you get excited, you shoot stuff out of it. That's just awesome.
- If you wanted to jerk off in the bathroom of Arby's, it wouldn't be a huge ordeal.
- You could dress your boner up like a bird and it would look like you're riding it!
- You can piss outside without the fearful troll-squat-shimmy we have to do when the puddle starts to run frighteningly close to our shoes.
- When you wipe your ass, you don't give a shit what direction you do it in.
- You can sit on your hand until it's numb and then pretend a stranger is jerking you off.
- You can rest, hang, place, balance, etc. things on your boner! It's even better when it happens accidentally (dropping a towel in an attempt to look sexy, but it gets caught on your boner. Classic!).
In conclusion, if you're into chicks**, most of them don't care about your penis size. Seriously. Do you have nimble fingers? Can you lick the shit out of a popsicle? You're good.
**I cannot speak for dudes.
