A Baby Came Out of My Vagina

If you're looking for a way to lose all modesty, may I suggest squeezing a child out of your vagina? Bonus loss of modesty if you do it without pain medication. I shit, pissed, and puked in front of numerous people (and on my husband) and I could care less! Go me!

I feel now that I've gone through pregnancy, childbirth, and a whole whopping 20-something days of being a mother, I have something I'd like to say about the experience:

Fuck you.

There's a couple of specific people/things that this statement is directed towards:

My Bradley Method Teacher
I love the Bradley Method. It's an awesome way to approach childbirth that includes the partner in the labor process and focuses on natural, non-medicated ways to progress through labor. But man, my Bradley Teacher was a real bitch. I can't tell you how many times she said shit like, "If I could have all of your babies I would! That's how much I love giving birth! I had three totally painless births!"
Goddamn you and your false hope, lady. When I had my baby, I spent 30-some hours in PAIN wondering how the fuck I could kill you and have it hurt worse than natural labor.

Women Who Only Say Shit Like "Motherhood is the most beautiful thing you will ever experience!"
I bet you bitches also never poop or swear. Seriously. Why do women refuse to talk about how hard it is to be a mother? Are we in some sort of competition? Does it make us feel like failures to come right out and say, "I understand why some animals eat their young." Sure, being a mother is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced, but you won't catch me saying that last thing without also adding that if my kid chomps my nipple with his razor-blade gumline one more time I might make him grow a rattail.

Josh At Night
I love my husband. And he is the best father. But at night, when I'm nursing and he's fast asleep, it takes everything I have not to smother him.

My Breasts
I remember when I got breasts. Shit was amazing. My email in high school was kajungas69@hotmail.com, so yeah, I was pretty pleased with myself. I never thought I would cry over giant pornstar tits. Seriously, they give new meaning to the term "chesticles". These fucking things are gigantic and they hurt. If it weren't for the sweet, sweet life-juice they give my kid, I might cut them off myself.

My Milk
It's kind of awesome that I can say "my milk" and now that we're a couple of weeks in, I am finally starting to enjoy breastfeeding. Also, I realize that having a lot of milk is a far better problem than having too little. But holy shit, I have enough milk to feed the entire US men's swimteam and those fucking guys eat like 9000 calories a day (holler if you're into that sort of thing, Phelps). My kid gets BLASTED with milk every time he eats - it's crazy. I just walk around with a towel in my shirt all day. I joked with my mom that maybe there's some weird breastmilk fetish and I could strip at a club to "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!" while squirting milk out of my breasts .... Oh, you don't talk about that kind of shit with your mom? Weird.

Men Who Stare At Me When I Breastfeed
I have quickly found that some men could give a shit less if there's a baby hanging off your tit. As long as there's a tit involved, they're happy to give a good, creepy, prolonged stare. And that's fucking weird and it pisses me off.  Also, it's never hot dudes.



Having a kid is pretty fucking rad. It's also been the hardest thing I've ever done. Just when I think I have something down, my kid sneezes and spits up at the same time and I convince myself he's dying. It is crazy. I cry a lot. I swear a ton. And I laugh even more. I highly recommend you try it.

Growing a Tallywhacker - Large and In Charge

To think there are people out there who write in their blogs every fucking day. Makes me feel like I'm the shittiest blogger ever. But let's be real - those people might be good and punctual at blogging, but they're shitty at LIFE. I'm just trying to find a happy medium.

Here's the latest:

Unless our baby takes after its mother and has a giant labia, we're having a boy!! A tiny penis is going to come out of me!

That's what she said?

Josh and I had no preference for the sex of our baby. We just wanted it to be healthy. So, hearing it was a boy was exciting. And then it was terrifying. I have to clean a penis?!

I've quickly gathered that people react in a very specific way when they hear you're having a boy.  The ultrasound tech took at least 19 pictures of our little guy's penis and printed them out for us. I have a sneaking suspicion that the same is not done for a female fetus (am I wrong?!). Do you parents of girls have a fetal vagina album?! And to add to it, everyone makes comments about his penis size. Like, "Oh man!! He's ALL boy! That thing is unmistakable!" Yes, because everyone wants a baby with a giant dick - that's not weird at all.

Anyway, I'm going to have to teach my kid about boners. And probably find his crusty socks on the floor. I'm going to try really hard not to make boner jokes when he reaches puberty.

Is my kid going to hate me?

In other news, being pregnant is a trip, man! You are going through this totally amazing, spiritual experience - loving your body and the way it acts and reacts to support another life. Then some asshole goes running their mouth and ruins it for you:
The other day I was in the gym and this acquaintance of ours called me over. Let me paint you a picture. This lady is in shape. She's all fucking tan. She has a nice set of fake tits. She was SPRINTING on the treadmill while talking to me. Anyway, she gave me the up and down look, asked me what I have been eating, and then exclaimed that I must be having a girl because I'm carrying wide. In true Georgia fashion I tried to crack a 'wide-load coming through' joke and she said, "You know, when people say the baby craves something unhealthy they are just being selfish." I almost ate her but silicone makes my tongue itchy.

Some days it doesn't even take a crazy gym whore to bring up my insecurities. The other day at my monthly check-up I was getting on the scale and heard the nursing assistant say, "Do you feel the earthquake?" I was like, "Oh helllll no. Is this chick really making earthquake jokes while I get on the scale?!" It took me about 7 minutes of pure rage to realize that there had been an actual earthquake earlier in the morning and she asked, "Did you feel the earthquake?" *Sigh*

I have gained more than the 'suggested' amount of weight. Quite a bit more. But I feel great! I can still play tennis (sort of - I get three bounces before I have to get to the ball) and I do kegels like a motherfucker. I don't want to feel bad about my body - not ever, but especially not while I'm pregnant. I just want to grow huge and have people tell me I look fucking beautiful. Is that too much to ask?! Luckily, I have a husband who tells me this daily.

Annnd, I just puked in my mouth a little bit :)

So, yeah. I'm pregnant. I am growing this amazing little guy inside of me. He kicks me all day and night and I think he's the coolest person in the world.  That makes the fact that my vagina is fucking crazy looking and I keep getting skin tags on my nipples totally worth it.