For Hire

There was a point in my life where I thought, "You know what would be really sweet?! If someone paid me to write a blog." But that would only work if said person wanted someone who wrote in their blog every six months. Fuck.

You know, the problem is, I keep trying to think of blog material that doesn't have to do with being a mom, giving birth, having a kid, etc. But I CAN'T. It's like it is physically and mentally impossible now to be funny without talking about my kid. Believe me, I want to write a quirky, hilarious blog about sucking dick or something but whenever I start, all that comes out is:

So, the thing about sucking dick is my kid might partake some day. Fuck. Let me try this again. So, the thing about sucking dick is, it's surprisingly not as pleasurable with a baby in the room. Shit. OK, I got this. So, the thing about sucking dick is, it's best when youasdjaknsajsdkjfnaasdnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. I just fell asleep at my keyboard.

The good news for you is that I'm quitting my job next week so (hypothetically) I'll have more time to make your day. Yep, I'm quitting. My kid gets sick every other day and sometimes one of the ladies at daycare looks like she smokes a bunch of crack and stays up all night eating Frito pies and watching infomercials before coming work. In all honesty, I just can't cope with the guilt anymore. I realize I'm just going to find something else to feel guilty about, but for now this feels like the best thing to do for my kid.

Part of me feels like I need to find some kind of mom-friendly job. I mean, I'm not going to start selling candles or some other shit, but it would be nice to find something I can do from home. I'd even settle for something I can bring my kid to. I was thinking I'd make a great sex-education instructor. Sure, Scared Straight doesn't work for reprobate teens, but I think with some real-talk, Georgia style, kids would definitely be slipping on the jimmy hats before awkwardly doing it. I imagine it going something like this:
"Class, I'm not going to bullshit you. Let's have a real talk about sex. It's awesome, right? And you all know that if you don't use protection when you have sex, you could end up getting pregnant. But let's talk about having sex AFTER you have a kid. I mean, are there women who actually do the deed after the momentous occasion of stretching their vaginas so wide they tear all the way up to their anus? Seriously. If I'm going to be honest, the closest thing I've come to getting any since I gave birth is when the midwife checked me to see if my uterus has shrunk. I'd try a different door, but I can't get into the feeling of pooping out a penis over and over - I don't know how those Evangelical pastors do it! Wait! Why are you escorting me outside?! You're hurting my arm. Are you a gym teacher? How did I know? I can see the outline of your wiener through your short shorts. I think I hear the kids cheering for me ...."

I don't know. I think being a mom is the hardest job I've ever had (and I worked at Walgreens in college for three days where the cashier would always whisper to me, "You gotta get out of this place while you still can, honey. It'll bury you."). So, for now I should probably just focus on my kid and making sure his first word isn't cock-sucker.