Well, the title says it all. Josh and I have been conversing about whether we should start trying to have a baby. Our discussions consist of adult things like, "Is our financial situation stable enough to support THREE of us? ... especially considering one of us won't be fucking contributing at all?! Lazy fuck." Or, "What if we can't get pregnant? I kinda feel like a few slipped/swam in there back in my ho days with anti-climactic results." Pun intended.
Thinking about having a kid is also exciting. Even though Josh has already forbid me from using our child as a sounding-board for my humor, I still fantasize about dressing it in onesies with cute little sayings like, "My brain is the size of a walnut and even I know Mitt Romney is a fucking sleezebag." And let's just be honest. I am SUPER excited to pull my tit out in public and tell anyone who complains about it to go fuck themselves (I could do this now, but I might not have as much clout).
I gotta tell you, though. Even thinking about having kids has resulted in some serious mind-fucking. Some nights I lie in bed for HOURS thinking, "Sure, shitting is perfectly natural. I still don't want to do it in front of a room full of people!" I also spend a lot of time thinking about the gender of possible future child. To take from an epic Louis CK stand-up, I'm a little nervous to have a girl because I don't know how I feel about spending my days cleaning shit out of a tiny vagina. Conversely, I'm not exactly stoked about frequenting the phrase, "Make sure you pull your skin back to wash your penis!". Also, I don't know very many people who think, "Man, my fucking parents were perfect! They did everything right! I am so healthy and well-adjusted!" So, I'm trying to come to terms with having this little person that will swell my heart (and vagina) to unimagined size, who thinks I'm a total neurotic, foul-mouthed, weirdo. I've also had several sleepless nights over thoughts of quitting sushi and trampoline-jumping.
If we are able and fortunate enough to get pregnant, I feel nervous about the world I'm bringing a child into. A world where people put cheese all over their vegetables and wear socks with sandals. But let's just be real. I think we can all agree that I should procreate. The world needs more toddlers who call their teachers "fucking boners" in preschool and get their mom into trouble.
