Two Truths and a Lie

Have you ever played this game? I have at every job I've worked in the past five years.  In fact, I had to do it today at a goodbye meeting.  Just give me my trinkets and let me go on my merry fucking way, would ya?!
Anyway, let me break it down for you just in case you have not had the pleasure:
Everyone in the group comes up with two truths about themselves and one lie. Everyone else has to guess which of the statements is a lie. If the majority does not correctly guess which statement is a lie, the 'it' person gets a prize.  Today I got a Christmas mug. It's December-fucking-28th man!

Shit has A LOT of potential to be interesting - even hilarious. Yet, it almost never is.  People instead waste my time by saying shit like:

I love the color pastel purple. My dad was in the Army. I have two glass eyes.

Obviously you don't love the color pastel purple. That shit is horrendous.

I think I could be really fucking good at this game if given the platform to be totally honest.  I always find myself wishing I could say the shit that actually pops into my head instead of the boring shit I usually say about being a Leap Year baby and the fact that I shamefully find Mitt Romney kind of attractive. Fuck you! Don't judge me.


No, but really. This game could use some spicing up.  Here is an example of how I would play the game if I worked for my parents sorting their weed:

• As a stripper, my mom danced to Zevon's 'Werewolves of London' with a coyote head sewed onto her g-string.
• I celebrated Christmas of 2000 in a mental hospital.
• My dad did drugs with Robin Williams, later stating he was a better harp (harmonica for all you un-hip readers) player than comedian.
• I once used a vibrator in a tanning bed.
• I used to make out with the wall in my bedroom and pretend it was Leonardo DiCaprio. 
• I am a bastard child, conceived out of wedlock to two rad fucking (literally, thus conception) hippie parents. 
• I pooped in the elementary school playground out of desperation as a child, then stood with all the other kids the next school-day saying in amazement, "That's the biggest pile of dog shit I've ever seen!"
• My Grandma once cornered me on vacation and told me the story of the conception of my mother. The Rated-R version. I was nine. 
• I love the color pastel purple.

Oh, I was only supposed to write three things.

I apologize for being so fucking interesting.