Birthday Post

It's my birthday!!! My real birthday. Fuckin' A!!  I can be as inappropriate as I want and say whatever I want and no one can say shit about it!

Rick Santorum is a cocksucker!!!

That felt good.  

As a little tribute to myself, I thought I'd write about some memorable birthday pasts.

My Birth
An epic day, as the coolest fucking cat you know emerged from a vagina.

First Photo:

"Put me baaaaaccckkkkkkk!"

My 4th Birthday
My mom rented a lady dressed up like a freaky fucking penguin and I spent the whole time hiding.

Photo Evidence:

"Ahhhhh!! Get the fuck away from me you creepy bird lady!!"

My 9th Birthday
Sleepover. If I believed in God, I might pray that I don't have a female child solely because little girl sleepovers are like Lord of the fucking Flies on steroids. Anyway, at this particular party a friend was upset because her suitcase went missing.  None of the little girls would fess to it and my mom lined us all up and threatened to call the cops if one of us didn't tell the truth. The girl called later to say that she had left her suitcase at home.  This didn't repair the psychological damage of my mom's prison threats.

My 16th Birthday
I was pooping in the high school bathroom and some girls came in.  They heard me and started whispering back and forth, "Oh my God!" - "Who is that?!" - "I don't know, but gross!!" - "I think it's Georgia Angelo!"
They waited outside the bathroom to confirm. Fucking happy birthday to me.

My 17th Birthday
Bonfire party in Lyons.  I'm pretty sure somewhere out there exists footage of me running through a bonfire with forties taped to my hands.

My 21st Birthday
I got so drunk for so many consecutive days that I got pneumonia. But I also hooked up with my husband in the same week, so I'd chalk that up as a W!

My 22nd Birthday
I threw a birthday party.  My brother took it over, making it a mullet-cutting party.

Photo Evidence:

Kentucky Waterfall

My 24th Birthday
Again, really drunk. But this time I was at The Lazy Dog and encountered an old, homeless black man who I overheard tell the bartender, "Man, all I want tonight is to dance with a white girl."  Needless to say, I spent my 24th birthday hammered, dancing with him.

Photo Evidence: 

Only people on the dancefloor. 

Everyone else was too intimidated.

In, conclusion. Happy Leap Day. Go buy me a fucking present. I'm gonna go eat a cupcake.