Growing a Tallywhacker - Large and In Charge

To think there are people out there who write in their blogs every fucking day. Makes me feel like I'm the shittiest blogger ever. But let's be real - those people might be good and punctual at blogging, but they're shitty at LIFE. I'm just trying to find a happy medium.

Here's the latest:

Unless our baby takes after its mother and has a giant labia, we're having a boy!! A tiny penis is going to come out of me!

That's what she said?

Josh and I had no preference for the sex of our baby. We just wanted it to be healthy. So, hearing it was a boy was exciting. And then it was terrifying. I have to clean a penis?!

I've quickly gathered that people react in a very specific way when they hear you're having a boy.  The ultrasound tech took at least 19 pictures of our little guy's penis and printed them out for us. I have a sneaking suspicion that the same is not done for a female fetus (am I wrong?!). Do you parents of girls have a fetal vagina album?! And to add to it, everyone makes comments about his penis size. Like, "Oh man!! He's ALL boy! That thing is unmistakable!" Yes, because everyone wants a baby with a giant dick - that's not weird at all.

Anyway, I'm going to have to teach my kid about boners. And probably find his crusty socks on the floor. I'm going to try really hard not to make boner jokes when he reaches puberty.

Is my kid going to hate me?

In other news, being pregnant is a trip, man! You are going through this totally amazing, spiritual experience - loving your body and the way it acts and reacts to support another life. Then some asshole goes running their mouth and ruins it for you:
The other day I was in the gym and this acquaintance of ours called me over. Let me paint you a picture. This lady is in shape. She's all fucking tan. She has a nice set of fake tits. She was SPRINTING on the treadmill while talking to me. Anyway, she gave me the up and down look, asked me what I have been eating, and then exclaimed that I must be having a girl because I'm carrying wide. In true Georgia fashion I tried to crack a 'wide-load coming through' joke and she said, "You know, when people say the baby craves something unhealthy they are just being selfish." I almost ate her but silicone makes my tongue itchy.

Some days it doesn't even take a crazy gym whore to bring up my insecurities. The other day at my monthly check-up I was getting on the scale and heard the nursing assistant say, "Do you feel the earthquake?" I was like, "Oh helllll no. Is this chick really making earthquake jokes while I get on the scale?!" It took me about 7 minutes of pure rage to realize that there had been an actual earthquake earlier in the morning and she asked, "Did you feel the earthquake?" *Sigh*

I have gained more than the 'suggested' amount of weight. Quite a bit more. But I feel great! I can still play tennis (sort of - I get three bounces before I have to get to the ball) and I do kegels like a motherfucker. I don't want to feel bad about my body - not ever, but especially not while I'm pregnant. I just want to grow huge and have people tell me I look fucking beautiful. Is that too much to ask?! Luckily, I have a husband who tells me this daily.

Annnd, I just puked in my mouth a little bit :)

So, yeah. I'm pregnant. I am growing this amazing little guy inside of me. He kicks me all day and night and I think he's the coolest person in the world.  That makes the fact that my vagina is fucking crazy looking and I keep getting skin tags on my nipples totally worth it.