Douchebag

Douchebag.

Man, the inner-turmoil I have. The raging, liberal, feminist inside of me really doesn't want to use this word.  Then I run into the kind of guy who flexes in front of the weight room mirror in windbreaker pants that are just small enough I can see the outline of his penis and I just can't think of any word more appropriate. *Sigh

The Urban dictionary defines douchebag as: Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker.  <- Um, awesome. Are you guys hiring?!

But the process of douching is controversial and, in my humble fucking opinion, stems from a male-dominated culture that thinks women need to be 'clean', always wear bras, say sorry for shit that's not their fault, make .75 for every dollar a penis-haver does, and shave their armpits.  Meanwhile, we got a bunch of fucking hairy dudes running around with bigger tits than me and they smell like shit! What the fuck?!

Here are some common douching scents:
-Fresh
-Island Splash
-Sweet Romance
-Country Flowers
-Tropical Rain

What the fuck?! Have you smelled a sweaty stick n' berries? 'Cause I have, and that shit certainly doesn't smell anything like a Caribbean fucking breeze. But you don't see me going around trying to jab a tube full of candle-smelling shit into any dick-holes.  A vagina is supposed to smell like, wait for it, a VAGINA.  This is some weird double-shitty-shit.  We got a tool to clean and scent a vagina that doesn't need either and we live in a weird culture where being compared to a vagina and its 'tool' is offensive.  So, I don't really want to use the word.

But wait! Have you ever had the pleasure of dancing at a club as a teenager and having some old dude try to rub his boner against you?! Douchebag. Or maybe you've gone to get a drink out of the water fountain only to find that the guy drinking before you hocked a giant fucking lugee into it and it's stuck in the drain - you would have avoided drinking after him, but you didn't hear him spit because all you could hear was Nelly blasting from his headphones. Douchebag.  Perhaps you're familiar with the guy who always asks you about Jesus at high school parties and then gets handjobs from two different girls in the same night (no I wasn't one of them, asshole). Douchebag! Or maybe, simply, you're living it! Example:

So you see my dilemma. I mean, to be fair I regularly use terms like jerk-off and dickhead in my shit-talking repertoire.  But men aren't discriminated against in the same way as women, so I take that back. And if you're the kind of penis-hole who's reading this thinking, "I bet she also thinks you can't be racist to white people." You're fucking right, so quit being a douche and log-off.

I don't know. This is tough. I talk A LOT of shit and sometimes you gotta pull out the big guns.  Just do me a favor and let me know when they invent a dick-washing system (no I don't mean masturbating in the shower) and I'll use that shit instead. Maybe.